8 Practical Ways To Help A Loved One Who Has Experienced Trauma
There’s a good chance you know someone who has experienced mental trauma. Studies show that 60-75% of North Americans experience a traumatic event at some point in their lives, but the percentage is believed to be higher.
As a reminder, trauma is the emotional response to a highly stressful event that makes a person feel emotionally or physically threatened. This can be an accident, sexual assault, a natural disaster, childhood neglect, and it can even be witnessing someone else experience a traumatic event. Trauma is real, as real as a physical injury. You can learn more about the types and symptoms of trauma here.
If you are aware that a loved one has experienced trauma, you may be wondering what you can do to help. Regardless of where they find themselves in the healing journey, here are 8 practical ways you can support them:
1. Listen.
Telling our stories is powerful. Your loved one may experience healing in the simple act of telling you about their experience in a safe and supportive context. It helps them make sense of what happened, consolidate memories, and feel heard and not alone.
Learn their story, at their pace. Respect how much they are choosing to share. Stay curious, without pressuring or rushing. When they do share, be all ears and practice active listening. Listen carefully and ask questions without judging, interrupting, or making self-referencing comments.
2. Ask them what they need.
Every person responds differently to trauma and has different support needs. Your intuition as a friend or family member may be right on, but it is safer to ask than to assume or play the guessing game. You can say “What do you think would help you feel better?” or “How can I support you?.” This will show the person that you care about them and help you support them better.
3. Don’t judge.
It is difficult to see a loved one be affected by trauma. You wish things could improve and may find it hard to understand why they can’t just “move on”. However, remember that everyone’s journey is different and healing from trauma takes time. It is important not to blame them or pressure them to get better in a certain time. Try not to judge their thoughts or feelings and avoid telling them how you think they should think, feel, or behave.
4. Learn their triggers.
The best way to identify what triggers your loved one’s trauma is to pay attention. Notice patterns. What tends to happen before they show symptoms of emotional distress? Notice what situations tend to trigger emotional changes related to their trauma. Triggers could be places, sounds, people, smells, words, social interactions, and sensations. By learning their triggers you can be better prepared to support them if triggered.
5. Help them get grounded.
You may happen to be with your loved one when they are triggered and experience emotional distress. This emotional distress can present as anything from an anger outburst to a full-on panic attack. While your loved one is experiencing acute trauma symptoms, you can help them come back to their baseline. A few ways you can do this are:
Talk to them in a low, calm voice.
Gently call out their name to get their attention.
Encourage them to take deep breaths. You can even count and take deep breaths with them.
Use physical touch, cautiously. If you know physical touch doesn’t trigger your loved one, use physical touch that feels supportive and not constrictive. For example, place your hand gently on their hand instead of giving a tight frontal hug.
Bring their attention to their surroundings: the room they’re in, the chair they’re sitting on or ground they’re standing on, the things they can see or physically feel. This helps bring them back to their present moment.
Avoid saying dismissive things like “Don’t cry” or “Calm down.”
Gently remind them that this will pass and that you won’t leave them.
6. What not to say.
How you respond to another person’s trauma can be healing or hurtful. Choose your words carefully. These are some things you should avoid saying, as they can be unhelpful:
“It’s time to move on”
“Was it really that bad?”
“I know how you feel”
“Are you still struggling with this?”
“Stop being negative”
“Let’s talk about something else”
“Look at the bright side”
“It’s all in your head”
“It could be worse”
“Things happen for a reason”
“You’re too _____”
“You should/shouldn’t _____”
“You’re broken”
“The past is the past”
7. Support them in getting help.
If your loved one feels comfortable with it, mention the option of getting professional help. It is important that this suggestion is made in a curious and gentle manner, not prescriptive and pushy.
It may be helpful to normalize getting professional help for issues like trauma. You can remind your loved one that in the same way that there are healthcare professionals that help treat physical injuries, there are mental health professionals that help treat mental injuries.
Offer to help them find and get connected with a mental health professional trained in effective methods for treating trauma. Remember that in order for treatment to be effective, they need to want it.
8. Take care of your own mental health.
As you choose to play a supportive role in your loved one’s trauma recovery, it is important to ensure your own physical and emotional safety. You will actually be a better support for your loved one if you invest in your own mental health.
Supporting someone who has lived a traumatic experience can take a toll on you, especially if it’s someone you care deeply about. Be aware of vicarious trauma, which results from empathetic engagement with a trauma survivor or person living a traumatic experience.
It may be good to reach out to friends or family members for support. You may even benefit from receiving counseling services or being a part of a support group. Remember, every helper needs a helper.
P.S.
Are you or someone you know interested in getting help to heal from trauma? We have therapists trained in EMDR therapy, one of the most successful treatments for trauma. You can learn more about EMDR here and reach out to one of our therapists by clicking below.
